“OKAY SO I’VE BROKEN YOUR HEART, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO????”

          Hearts don’t break; they pump so get over it!!!

On quite a few occasions girls have been the victims of a broken heart due to the actions or inactions of some of the male species. I observed that a lot of the guys that put the girls in these unfortunate conditions are unconcerned about the effect it has on the person who was once the object of their affection (or at least, seen to be). This encouraged me to talk to a few guys to find out the reasons behind their indifference to seeing girls hurt. There have been so many different situations in which girls have been hurt, whether, it’s a boyfriend of five years whom you lost your virginity to, or the guy who just pretended to like you for whatever reason, hit-and-run etc. I asked a few guys about it and came out with some interesting results.

*These are verbatim quotes that were written as they were said with very little editing.

Kwabena says ‘we’re going out, and I decide that I don’t feel the same way about you anymore, so let’s break up, I’ve broken your heart, what do you want me to do? The whole point is for us to move on, and there’s no moving on if I care that much because if I cared that much, it means we have to go back out because honestly, you don’t want to break up. The only way for me to help you is to go back out with you again,… and be nice…. and I’m not ready to do that, so what do you want me to do? So the only option is to act like I don’t care. Because sometimes when we break up, it’s bashing the guy, it’s bashing the guy that the girl is crying but we can’t honestly do anything about it because we’re going back to square one…..’

On the issue of girls being used by guys, especially with the ever popular ‘I gave him my virginity’ Kwabena says ‘Look, let me tell you, these days eh, boys are foolish, but of late girls are even worse than boys. Chale, prevention, just don’t open your legs till he puts that ring on your finger.’

Jeremy feels it could be one of three things ‘either he never liked her in the first place, his feelings faded, or it was mere lust.’

Ekow explains that the reason that guys have a hard time understanding when girls are upset is because guys are just not very emotionally sensitive. ‘If you want to talk to me, and you’re crying, I will just concentrate on the fact that you are crying and won’t really listen to what you have to say’

Kofi, who was amused by the question replied ‘ah, they don’t care, because it’s not their heart, if it’s their heart, then they will care.’ When probed further, he said ‘even if they care, they won’t show it because he has to be ‘the guy.’  

Ben had an interesting take on this issue. He felt that if the guy is close to his mother and has sisters, he will generally show respect for women, but otherwise, if all his role models are men, he wouldn’t care, or ‘maybe he’s just an idiot.‘

Some guys are convinced that the girls are the problem, and they bring the hurt upon themselves because of pressure they put on the guy or doing things to hurt guys, so, therefore feel the girls are basically asking for the hurt through the things they do. Be it through gold-digging, lying, cheating, but the thing most guys complained about was pressure and emotionally sensitive nature of girls which some found a bit overbearing.

Frank feels ‘girls are evil people so we hurt them to get back at them.  They lie, they mistake your kindness for weakness.  Sometimes, they're all over you so you just do things to hurt them to get back at them.’

James explains that sometimes we girls put too much pressure on the boys ‘dabiaa na I love you, why don’t you call me, come and see me, some boys don’t like that kind of pressure, so if you always act that way, some boys will just act cold towards you.’  

On the ‘sorry’ issue, Ryan says ‘I know I've done something wrong but I don't call you to tell you I'm sorry, but you call me or text me to tell me, and then I apologise. Then you tell me it's too late, and I'm only saying sorry because you've complained. Then the next time I do something, I apologise, and then you tell me I've already done it, and I don’t mean it, so why am I saying sorry. So what do you want me to do? Do you want me to go left or right? So next time I do something intentionally to hurt your feelings, I won’t say anything, I'll just be in the middle.' When asked why he would do something deliberately to hurt a girl, he replies, because ‘you've done something to hurt my feelings’

I was given a scenario in which a girl was visited by a boy in a car, who bought her a few gifts. Not too long after that she left her boyfriend (who did not have a car) saying, he did not seem to be going anywhere in life, and started getting involved with the guy with the car(Let’s call him Car Boy). So Car Boy analyses the situation and thinks, ‘so if I didn’t have the ride and the money, would she still be with me?’ so he has his way with her and leaves her. In this situation, is it right to say the girl brought it upon herself? Is this supporting the view of guys that girls are ‘evil’? Who do you feel is the bad person, and who is the victim?

               

                Calvin felt it was entirely the fault of girls.(Sounding just a little bit like an activist for male supremacy)’ You see, girls are very wicked and heartless and have committed a lot of atrocities towards boys, so in order to avoid being victimized, we hurt them before they can hurt us, especially, Legon girls. When they come here and their eyes open. They stand on the balcony, and they see the cars and they want it. They decide to go for guys who don’t care about them at all; guys who just want to have sex with them, just for the material gain. We see it coming so we hurt them before they can hurt us. To avoid being hurt, we put our feelings aside and act like robots.’

Roger simply says ‘girls eh, hmm, you people…..’ obviously at a loss for words.

I also realized that a lot of the ‘not caring’ is as a result of them just not being concerned about the girl, or the situation. I have observed from a few breakups that guys have an easier time moving on. If the girl is the one doing the breaking up, she usually seems torn by the decision, and in some cases, goes to ask the guy for a come-back, which usually irritates the  guy, and ultimately does not work. In cases where the guy is the one who has done the breaking up, it usually means he has taken the time to analyse the situation, weighed the pros and cons and come to the decision that he does not want to be in the relationship. Basically, it was over for him before he ended it, so he had a head start in the process of getting over it.

Nii feels “guys don't care about hurting girls they don't like/love. The fact that they might be intimately involved with a girl doesn't make them feel obliged to show love or affection towards the girl. Chances are, if a guy hurts a girl the girl either brought herself and the guy just ceased the opportunity to mess around or the guy probably did like the girl but somewhere along the line she wasn't really who he expected her to be, and could care less about dealing with her drama.”

Ian feels the guy probably doesn’t care because ‘he’s moved on, so he’s not bothered by it anymore’

            Stanley from the US, from his observations feels that a lot of the girls that get hurt by boys do so because of their desire to be with the ‘bad boy’, who have no intention of serious commitment and end up hurting the girls. Basically, by going out with those kind of boys, they have it coming. He says “it’s such a hard question; I don't always think its guys that hurt girls I think girls hurt themselves at times.  They do this by choosing the wrong type of guys

 a lot of times girls want the guy who is fun and exciting and not the guy who is a little safer. you know, but when guys are at fault they do it because of insecurity, hurt her before she hurts me type of thing,

 get out before I get too attached.’

Some guys actually disagree with that assertion that they don’t care, and feel it’s more them hiding their feelings.

Seth says ‘As much as all men/boys try to hide it they actually feel a little amount of guilt when they hurt others, especially the opposite sex. What exactly they do with the guilty feeling is what makes the difference. You see if we think you deserve to have known better and you got hurt in the end;its your fault, not mine. Would you blame the examiner if you got an answer wrong just because you failed to read instructions? So the underlying issue is that we might all feel guilty but depending on the situation in which the girl got hurt or the state of the mind of the boy; we shall never know whether it was intentional or not.

                Jeremy also says ‘I don’t think I can help you there because I don’t believe guys don’t care when they hurt women anymore than women care if they hurt someone. Remember, a lot of what guys say is pretence, but they do feel the hurt as well, even if they did the dumping. Often they are after the physical, although it may be misconstrued as an emotional attachment, but even under those circumstances, they still would rather not hurt anyone because they feel it too. ‘

                Whether it has to do with the male ego not wanting to show a softer side, or taking revenge for the ‘atrocities’ of girls, or girls being too clingy and emotional, girls have suffered a lot in the hands of guys. The purpose of this article is to find out why so both sexes can come to a resolution on the problem. A lot of guys have complained about being victimized by girls, so in the next article, I will be talking to girls to find out why they have made some boys so bitter and feel the need to hit back at them.

                As you can see, there are a lot of different opinions on this issue. I do not feel there is any single correct answer, rather, different ways of looking at it. Perhaps both sexes expect the worst of each other, and when the worst is what comes out, we do not understand why. Are guys heartless, do girls bring the hurt upon themselves by the things they do? Also is this ‘hurting’ business as a result of ‘I’ll hurt you before you hurt me’ on both sides? Shouldn’t both males and females put aside their prejudices against each other and learn to trust and care for each other a lot more? Is the whole issue about them not caring or more about not showing their emotions? You decide. My name is Mimi Koranteng, thank you very much for reading.